For many years, I owned the title of “victim” and wore it as a badge of honour. It served me so well. I got sympathy when I needed it, and it absolved me from taking any ownership over the shit-show that was my life. It kept me feeling small and was the excuse I used to hold myself back from making any sort of progress or achievement in my life.
I played the blame-game and reached pro-level at pointing fingers for what my life had amounted to. It was nothing more than entrapment and justification for why I was where I didn’t want to be. On the surface, it looked like a very difficult life – and with respect to me, it really was. I experienced the kind of things that would render most people insane and institutionalised. BUT, I learnt that all of this happened to me because I created it.
Taking full responsibility and owning this mentality is a very bitter pill to swallow for many people. Taking a long, stark look in the mirror instead of pointing fingers is the hardest job in the world. It involves brutal honesty, absolute introspection, and accountability, and that is extremely scary and overwhelming.
Four years ago, after my failed suicide attempt, I was forced to wake up and pay attention because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I began the hard work, taking ownership of every aspect of my life and where I found myself. It’s a never-ending journey that requires me to be awake every single moment of the day because it’s so easy to default to victimhood and blame. Taking a look inward isn’t easy but it’s empowering and liberating to accept that no one has the power to make you feel any particular way. No one has the power to control your life and no one has the authority to tell you how to live it. When you accept that, you make your life less of a democracy and you step into authentic power where the actions of others have nothing to do with you.
I don’t have a history to guide me as I navigate unchartered territories. I am simply brave enough to explore the realms of my own possibilities, and because, as an author and writer I choose to have my life publicised, I hope that my truth-telling can become the key to unlocking the prison of someone else’s mind. More than that, taking responsibility for my life and telling the truth about it, gives my kids permission to do the same. My kids don’t need me to die from the burden of pretending. They don’t need a mother that’s a martyr. They need a mother who is real and true. That begins with taking full responsibility over my life.
The change from blame to responsibility shifted me emotionally and life followed suit. I began creating magic where once only shit resided. Where my life is now compared to a couple of years ago is such a big contrast that it shocks me still. And that tangible difference allows me to remain conscious even during those moments when my ego takes over and I point a finger. The awareness forces me to look inwardly, ask the tough questions and make the correct changes.
So, are you willing to hold up that mirror?
Or, who are you going to blame your life on today?