Over the last few years, my birthday has been less of a celebration and more of a time of deep introspection. With my 34th birthday just hours away, I’ve realised that this past year has been the most significant for me in so many ways.
I’ve found myself at the centre of the fire. Actually no, scratch that, I’ve PLACED myself at the centre of the fire. For one full year I’ve consciously made decisions that have ultimately resulted in where I am right now. It’s been my year of extremities. I’ve been the happiest that I’ve ever been in my life. And conversely I’ve been where faith and hope couldn’t find me. I’ve spent so many nights staring blindly into the darkness – all attempts at exhausting myself into an uninterrupted sleep having failed.
I’ve found my heart opened in ways it’s never known. And then for the first time in my life I’ve had something in me close and looked at everything with unseeing eyes. Loss of any kind does that to you. Whether it’s losing a loved one through death, or a failed relationship or poverty or simply losing the ability to know who you are. I was cast adrift.
I’ve been so used to self sufficiency that asking for any kind of help felt like a knocking off my pride. It felt like failure. But once I did, love and kindness revealed itself to me in so many ways. Unexpectedly, I’ve been touched by the words and actions of people who reached out for me making me feel connected to something greater than myself and despite my weariness, my heart opened itself to love again and again.
I’ve learnt that as much as there are cruel and unkind people in this world, there are equally kind and compassionate people.
And for as long as I have a voice, I will continue to show my gratitude in whatever way to those who have extended themselves to me whenever I needed a reminder of the enormity of the human spirit.
As I get older, the universe shows me that remaining true to myself is the only way to be truly happy. I’ve lost my way for sure…but my journey is far from over. I choose to forgive myself for judging myself as less than and will move forward with nothing but love and gratitude for the blessing of awareness and consciousness that my journey has afforded me.