On Disappointment

The last few years of my life have been pivotal. I have come full circle, knowing that my sole purpose is to lift my life to its highest calling. I pride myself on being audacious and authentic – my candour in my writing is a true and accurate reflection of myself and my life experiences. I try to blaze a trail for women, inspiring and hopefully motivating them to not be held captive by circumstances, bad choices and most importantly, men. Sadly, I am a paradox. After having lived all of those life experiences, all the hurt, trauma, pain and heartache, I have learnt nothing when it comes to trusting people implicitly. As a result, disappointment is inevitable, like a bankruptcy of my soul, having expended it on hope and expectation. When it comes to love, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love fully, without abandon and give off more than I receive, in every relationship, in every definition of the multifaceted layers of love. That is inherently who I am, I can’t change that trait, it defines me as much as everything else I represent. Trying to make me see the wood from the trees when it comes to people I love, is like flogging a dead horse. I am hopeless. And so I allow the vicious cycle of replenishing and depleting to continue, until I reach this point – total and utter despair, unrecognisable even to myself. Something has to give.I have been a slave. I have been held captive by the fantasy created in my head, my own happiness depending on the treatment I receive from those I love. Each time someone new enters my life, the story is the same. I give and give and give and receive little in return. But I am ever hopeful, always wishing that someone will return the love in the exact form I give it, pure and unselfish. The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, hoping for different results. By that definition, I am certifiable. Fortunately, this moment of total and utter despair allows me to reflect and upon reflection, I have gathered that I, alone, am responsible for this position I find myself in. I have allowed this to happen because I never protected myself. Being emotionally driven and loving without abandon has repercussions, this I have repeatedly learnt. I need to learn how to live my life with zero expectation and if I am pleasantly surprised and love is reciprocated and my needs taken into account, then that’s a bonus.

It’s a sad reality of life. Putting me first is a non-negotiable. People are fallible and to expect them to be responsible for my happiness is unrealistic. At the end of the day, I am all I got anyway. Disappointment in this context is a wasted emotion, one that I would never allow myself to feel again.

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Omeiya
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Omeiya

😦

Bomi
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Bomi

Wow T!!! You have hit it on the nail….very enlightening & empowering! @ the end of it all – we are all we got….

Lerato
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Lerato

True dat… basically a sucker for love and its not easily letting go of that trail.

Veena
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Veena

Tivania, you are never truly alone. We always forget about our true friend, ourselves and of course God. I know what you mean by trusting people, the same could be said for friends who let us down (even women), at some point everyone lets you down, its human nature, so yes, good, loyal & sincere friends are few and when we have high expectations we will eventually be disappointed. I think your 2 kids will always your closest friends. So enjoy them while they are still in your life because one day they will move on and create their own… Read more »

Toufieqa
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Toufieqa

You have just motivated me in every way possible!!!! in my second month of my marriage i have found out that my husband made child while we where planning our wedding, i have forgived for it and moved on..the only heart ache was that after two years he has not shown no appreciation towards me. he has coursed me nothing but pain and anger and hate, the only good thing out of my marriage was my twins.

Karona Naidu
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Karona Naidu

Oh Tivania I feel you – i wish you the best on your journey. Stay positive and good does come out of it

Melanie
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Melanie

I send you strength, hugs and courage in this hard time. There is light at the end of the tunnel, be strong and talk to god whenever you are doubting yourself, he is always listening.

pral3n3
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pral3n3

You are echoing my own reality…