On Disappointment

The last few years of my life have been pivotal. I have come full circle, knowing that my sole purpose is to lift my life to its highest calling. I pride myself on being audacious and authentic – my candour in my writing is a true and accurate reflection of myself and my life experiences. I try to blaze a trail for women, inspiring and hopefully motivating them to not be held captive by circumstances, bad choices and most importantly, men. Sadly, I am a paradox. After having lived all of those life experiences, all the hurt, trauma, pain and heartache, I have learnt nothing when it comes to trusting people implicitly. As a result, disappointment is inevitable, like a bankruptcy of my soul, having expended it on hope and expectation. When it comes to love, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love fully, without abandon and give off more than I receive, in every relationship, in every definition of the multifaceted layers of love. That is inherently who I am, I can’t change that trait, it defines me as much as everything else I represent. Trying to make me see the wood from the trees when it comes to people I love, is like flogging a dead horse. I am hopeless. And so I allow the vicious cycle of replenishing and depleting to continue, until I reach this point – total and utter despair, unrecognisable even to myself. Something has to give.I have been a slave. I have been held captive by the fantasy created in my head, my own happiness depending on the treatment I receive from those I love. Each time someone new enters my life, the story is the same. I give and give and give and receive little in return. But I am ever hopeful, always wishing that someone will return the love in the exact form I give it, pure and unselfish. The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, hoping for different results. By that definition, I am certifiable. Fortunately, this moment of total and utter despair allows me to reflect and upon reflection, I have gathered that I, alone, am responsible for this position I find myself in. I have allowed this to happen because I never protected myself. Being emotionally driven and loving without abandon has repercussions, this I have repeatedly learnt. I need to learn how to live my life with zero expectation and if I am pleasantly surprised and love is reciprocated and my needs taken into account, then that’s a bonus.

It’s a sad reality of life. Putting me first is a non-negotiable. People are fallible and to expect them to be responsible for my happiness is unrealistic. At the end of the day, I am all I got anyway. Disappointment in this context is a wasted emotion, one that I would never allow myself to feel again.