I started cleaning out cupboards this weekend. I hadn’t realised how much of stuff I had accumulated over the years – despite having moved house five times and cleaned out stuff each time! However this stuff was a different accumulation. It was seven years of memories stored in boxes. A treasure chest of everything I held close to my heart. Pictures of us over the years, cards, trinkets and papers of sentimental value – the first movie we watched together, your name tag from work that I got so excited to possess when we started dating…..my heart broke.
In that pile was our wedding album. I didn’t realise just how sad I looked despite the smile I wore. The sadness behind my eyes was so obvious! Yet I continued to live in hope and dreamt of a time when the love I yearned for would envelope me.
I remember when we found out that we were having a son – after three miscarriages, our baby was safe and developing well. That was one of the few moments of complete and utter joy that we experienced – aside from his birth. I remember the dreams we had for our precious baby who – in my mind – would be the glue that bound us together firmly.
Yet here we are now.
It’s very sad how the ebb and flow of life can throw you completely off balance. You have no choice but to ride the waves. “Do what we have to do” – a woman’s mantra it seems.
I didn’t complete the packing, the grief overwhelmed me. I will try another day.
This morning when I drove to work, Adele’s “Turning Tables” blasted from my radio:
“Under haunted skies I see
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I’ve braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down……….
Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet“