My Divorce Diary – Part One

I started cleaning out cupboards this weekend. I hadn’t realised how much of stuff I had accumulated over the years – despite having moved house five times and cleaned out stuff each time! However this stuff was a different accumulation. It was seven years of memories stored in boxes. A treasure chest of everything I held close to my heart. Pictures of us over the years, cards, trinkets and papers of sentimental value – the first movie we watched together, your name tag from work that I got so excited to possess when we started dating… heart broke.

In that pile was our wedding album. I didn’t realise just how sad I looked despite the smile I wore. The sadness behind my eyes was so obvious! Yet I continued to live in hope and dreamt of a time when the love I yearned for would envelope me.

I remember when we found out that we were having a son – after three miscarriages, our baby was safe and developing well. That was one of the few moments of complete and utter joy that we experienced – aside from his birth. I remember the dreams we had for our precious baby who – in my mind – would be the glue that bound us together firmly.

Yet here we are now.

It’s very sad how the ebb and flow of life can throw you completely off balance. You have no choice but to ride the waves. “Do what we have to do” – a woman’s mantra it seems.

I didn’t complete the packing, the grief overwhelmed me. I will try another day.

This morning when I drove to work, Adele’s “Turning Tables” blasted from my radio:

Under haunted skies I see
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I’ve braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down……….

Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

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September 18, 2013 8:02 am

Just too emotional. I seem to be walking this walk with you.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

September 18, 2013 8:02 am

So, so the story of my life, unbelievable.

September 18, 2013 8:26 am

So real it grabs at the very strings of my heart!!! Your life is such a testimony to so many! i know that it will not only bring healing for you & your family, but to many of us struggling in our relationships.
xxx B.

September 18, 2013 8:32 am

This is emotional…..its something one never expects to happen, but it does…. I hope you will now be much happier my friend.

September 18, 2013 9:13 am

Reblogged this on Change is Never Ending

September 21, 2013 3:44 pm

Time heals and some memories fade, hopefully the bad ones….put some happy music when u packing….

lisa zinn
September 25, 2013 10:21 am

WOW, Tivania, your letter “Walking Away” has put all my thoughts feelings onto paper (slight difference is the children were his), however a year later I have no regrets, yes there have been challenges and without them we could not change and grow into the person we are destined to be. You go girl!!!!

October 28, 2013 10:54 am

“Yet I continued to live in hope and dreamt of a time when the love I yearned for would envelope me.” I have to comment on this why as women do we need a man’s love to affirm us. Women love yourself first….a man is not going to meet all your needs we are wired differently. If you want to make a difference make it yourself.

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