Darkness paid me a visit this week. The days blended into each other after I got the news of my ex-husband’s death. We had such a turbulent relationship for the 21 years we knew each other, and for the 16 years of our daughter’s life, he’d been absent. The years brought with it lots of anger and resentment for the myriad ways in which he fucked up royally, top of the list being his perceived lack of regard for our daughter.
Every single day this past week, fear was doing push-ups while I tried to sleep, and every morning, it won the fight. I was consumed with fear of how my daughter would handle this. And I was plagued with sadness of my own, for the loss of a soul that I wasn’t able to save.
But. Death is a beautiful gift. Because it brings with it only love. And I realised that the places where I have the biggest challenges are the places where I have the most to give. So I forgave him. And allowed his soul to transcend this dimension in peace and compassion. Strangely that process of letting go filled me with absolute authentic love for him. And I was able to honour him as the father of my child. In so doing, I gave my daughter permission to do the same.
But, death shouldn’t be the catalyst for forgiveness and love. And that for me was the bigger lesson. That while we still have the chance, forgiveness and love should be extended to whomever wronged us, in order to set our own souls free. Harbouring resentment and pain only perpetuates pain in this world and we all know we can do with a lot more love and light.
I finally saw in him, a man who was overcome with pain and sadness and who resigned from his life years ago. His lack of emotion literally caused his heart to shut down and the traumatic experiences he endured and never faced only served to keep his energy stagnant. This was all he knew how to be. And I couldn’t save him from that. It wasn’t my job to undertake.
For the most part, this week has taught me a lot about myself too. For knowing when to accept the things I cannot change and being able to grow through really rough times. The impermanence of life is this and we have to move with the ebb and flow. Resistance only causes suffering and that’s futile. Accepting what is and knowing when to surrender – that’s one more step to life mastery. At the end of the day, the very basic truth is: Love is all there is. And it’s bigger than fear. It’s even bigger than death.