For me, 2013 has been a year fraught with challenges, hardship and pain. There were moments when I felt myself being lost in a depression so vast, I couldn’t see my way out of the perpetual blackness that encompassed me. Simple, functional things became a chore. Sleep was a luxury, food became the enemy and even the love of my children couldn’t end my despair. My tunnel vision made me want to hide in the darkness, but my tainted thoughts were all I could reflect upon. The days blurred into each other and I could feel myself slipping away. Life is hard. LIVING takes courage. We must never lose sight of that. It is courageous to make the choice to wake up and face each new day amidst chaos. It is brave to put on a smile when you feel like crying. It is heroic to see the bigger picture in your mind when your heart is shattered and braver still to give love when you have nothing left to give.
As the year draws to an end, and upon reflection, one thing has been very clear:
My hard work in every avenue isn’t what I got for it, but what I became for it.
Unfettered by what society has deemed correct for me, I have chosen my own path. I have ventured out into the unknown, often paralysed by fear, broken by the hand that life has dealt me. The effort I put into my marriage for seven years, my work ethic to push myself past my comfort zone, being a mother to two kids….all of it has made me become what I am at this very moment, a survivor.
Life has no guarantees. I have learnt that you don’t fall in love with a standard, you fall in love with a person. While the lesson when love fails may be harsh, change can only come if we expose ourselves to the vulnerability of love. Freedom comes from healing and this is where I am right now. Having been through the storm, while I don’t see the rainbow just yet, I know that the inner peace I yearn for will be found because I have survived every struggle. I may be battered and broken still, but I am moving on, one small step at a time. That for me is success.
If I could impart just one lesson, it is this:
“It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.”